Control
by Music88
Summary: COMPLETEWe've all watch the rise of Jude Harrison...let's read about the fall...short...possibly two parter...it's based on the rumor that I heard awhile ago that Jude started taking pills or drugs in the next season..no idea if she really does..but this
1. Chapter 1

okay i have no idea where this came from...seriously i think it came from the dark little corner of me ---you know the part where i hate small furry things, i step on little kids sand castles at the beach, where i dont think theres a santa clause, i love rain, i growl at happy people, and my favorite color is black...i may consider making this a two parter if its well recieved and i get nice commments (hehe blackmail)...but i havent decided as of now its a short... 

..its a spin on the whole rumor that circulated about Jude turning to pills next season ..i have no idea if theres any truth to it but i wanted to write a little something i felt inspired...

Lets set the scene- Jude's pretty much hit rock bottom...Jamie dumped her for Kat...Dad's living with Yvette... her Mothers dating somebody new every week...Eden's trashing her huge time, the press is even worse, and her music isn't what it quite was...Sadie and Tommy are together and seem happy (gag), but Tommy..he wants Jude. and its not lost on her. She knows he wants her, but he just won't do anything about it. He's kissed her, even though he's with Sadie but he apologizes and swears it'll never happen again- basically Tommy's being a confusing MAN (goddamn boys)...everything is slowly breaking jude...she's basically helpless, lost, and without direction...this is how she feels and why she turned to pills..i mean there wud hafta be a reason...i mean shes a teenager...we go thru some rough stuff sometimes...imagine it being done in the spotligghtt...

IMPORTANT AUTHORS NOTEI'm not sure if the 'setup' makes sense... ill try and explain it...the italics is direct thoughts of Judes ...quotations are what somebody is saying... normal font is like whats going on like jude does this who does that... and the bold..hmm the bold It basically outlines how Jude's been feeling and how she's dealing with it and her thoughts about it...its like jude is explaining how she feels from an outside point of view.. she's counseling herself kind of.,..erm i hope that made sense 

oh and uber thanks to BeBraveLive4Me...she helped make it perfect...and she pointed something out..this can basically apply to anybody, but its leaned towards jude...but i think on some level we cann all relate to it somehow...

Jude laid motionless on the floor of Studio B. Her arms were sprawled at her sides and her eyes stared upwards at the ceiling. The room was so quiet that Jude could hear the tick tock of the nearby wall clock that read 1:05 AM. Everyone had left G Major, but as always she stuck around way past closing time. It had become her ritual. She had first started because she needed time to herself, to write. But it had evolved into so much more. With her world crashing down around her, this was the only place she could think and be by herself

Tonight was no different. She was alone. With her thoughts. And they came with a vengeance.

**Do you ever feel like the world is against you? Like you're this big cosmic joke to everyone? That everyone around you is trying to 'one up' you? Trying to get the best of you? Like your life is a competition? **

_Eden...the press...music _

**How about that you're just not heard sometimes-what you say doesn't hold any significance and doesn't matter- that you don't matter and all you wanna do is run **

and fast.. 

_My family... _

**But everywhere you turn there's just this wall that you smack into head first. You look at the thick formidable concrete slab to size it up. It's so ominous, so threatening. You start banging your fists against it in vain. You know you'll never knock it down, but you try anyway. You try because you're so goddamn frustrated. **

_Bang. Bang. Bang. _

**And you're screaming now. For Help. For Attention. For Recognition. **

_Bang. Yell. Bang. Yell. _

**And it's so loud that it makes your head spin and your ears ring, but it's silence for everyone else. They just don't hear it.**

**And it's like you're small...2 feet tall and you're staring up at everyone and they're oblivious to it all. You're not sure why, maybe they just can't see it or maybe they just don't care. **

_Jamie and Kat..._

I'm willing to bet they didn't care. 

**There was no one left but yourself and you see yourself falling to pieces-and you can't stop it. It's out of your reach, out of your realm. And god does hitting the bottom hurt like hell. **

**And the emotions-that's the battle you fight day in and day out. You're temper's escalating, your depression has intensified, your tears have multiplied. **

**But you're trying so hard to deal with it yourself. To keep it from everyone else. And you think you're doing a good job at it but your body always betrays you. To the untrained eye you seem like you have it all figured out, but that's so far from the truth. So damn far. **

**Your demeanor changes. Subtly of course. Very few people, if any, would catch on. **

_He caught on though. _

**You slouch a little more when you sit, you don't hold your head up as high as you use to. You avoid eye contact. It's the way your voice takes on this sullen tone sometimes. You try to make it chipper and keep the anger, the hurt out of it. But it's becoming increasingly hard. It's the way your songs don't mean as much as they use to, they don't contain as much heart in it. It's the way you smile. It's still the same bare all teeth smile that you've been giving since day one, yet now it's hollow. It's empty and it's only for appearance sake. But nobody realizes it, nobody knows you that well. **

_But he did. _

**And you're finding yourself becoming short with everyone around you. Everybody's starting to annoy you. You're inwardly rolling your eyes a lot more and judging the people around you. You start to realize you can't stand them. **

_Mom...Dad...Sadie...Jamie..Kat...everyone even Georgia... _

_Except...Tommy_

**Yes, he was problem. He knows you too well. You're trying to solve it on your own, but he keeps pushing. **

_Push Push Push. _

**He thinks he can break down the wall, but you know better. Sometimes he only makes it harder. **

_Sometimes? Most of the Time. _

**He thinks he can help but he's only making you lose your footing on the shaky ground known as life. He's got all the control and he's taking it from you. He's pushing you all right, but in a million directions. **

_Towards him, away from him. Towards him, away from him. _

**He hurts you more than anyone. With his questions, with his stares, with his touches, with his kiss. **

_Damn him, I needed to get him off my back. _

**Yes, you need a quick solution to convince him you're okay. **

**So you discover control. Control of your own. That's right, you're offered an answer to all your problems. It's so contained, so easy, so thoughtless, and you like the looks of it, You tentatively dip your foot into it. **

_Seemed like a good solution. _

**You dive in without a second thought. **

_And I'm back to being okay. _

**Everything's in order now and it's because of you. You get to control your emotions, you get to dictate what you say. It's helping, the control is helping. And it feels good. You're not perfect, your life is far from it, but you're in control. You're able to contain the pain. **

**But you can't help but wondered how long can you make it look like you've got it all, that you're put together...a day...a week..a month...a year...years? You're betting on years, because it's the only way you won't fall apart. **

**Yet, even though you think you're on the right track, you still fight for the control. It's there but you have to hold on to it. You're trying so hard to keep it all in check.**

_Because control is the name of the game. _

_Don't let them see you break, girl. _

**But you're waiting with bating breath for that. It's like your waiting for that final push from somebody- **

_Tommy_

**-From somebody to send you over the edge and take away the hold you have on your own life. So you figure out that you really need to kick it up a notch.So you try and project the image of your old self. **

_'Old Self' _

**You can't help but give a bitter laugh at that. You no longer have any idea what your 'old self' is. It's so buried under everything that it would take something powerful to resurrect it. **

**So instead you try and be the person you think you should be. **

_No scratch that _

**You try and be the person you think everyone else wants you to be.**

**Because you can adapt..you can change... you can control**.

**But you're starting to resent control. The seven letter word leaves an acid taste on your lips. You wonder why you need to have control and others don't. And why you have to work so hard at having it when it comes so easily to others. **

_Like him? Like Tommy? _

**So tonight, you meet the wall again- but with a vengeance. **

**Except this time you're hitting it ten times harder. It's not just banging, it's pounding. **

_Pound Pound Pound _

**You're suppressed emotions are starting to rise up through you but you ignore it. **

_Pound Pound Pound Pound... _

**The pain starts again so you reach to grab the bottle of control... **

Jude hurriedly got up from her position on the floor and scrambled to the leather swivel chair that her bag sat on. She furiously dug through the contents looking for the plastic see-through orange bottle with the pristine white cap. 

"Where is it.." She mumbled as she checked the numerous compartments of the bag. She shuffled through a hairbrush, pens, mirror, lip gloss, wallet, keys, but nothing. She was becoming frustrated. She needed it now. She could feel the control start to slip away. It's been too many hours since she last took it.

"Where is it?" Her voice was more urgent and her fingers shook slightly as she searched her bag one more time. She gave an agitated huff as she impulsively turned her pocketbook upside down and dumped the contents on the table. She threw it the side as she spread the items out.

**You're losing it. **

"Damn it!" She exclaimed as she tucked a loose strand of red hair behind her ear. She searched more frantically this time, sending things flying to the floor in the process. "No, no no, I know it's in here." She said to herself, remembering putting it in her bag this morning.

**You're losing control fast. **

If she could focus and think logically she'd be able to deduct the search was in vain. That obviously her control was no where to be found. But she was so wrapped up in it that she couldn't think calmly. She was so wrapped up in it that she never heard the door open either. 

"Where is it!" She roared it this time as she swooped her arm down over the table causing any remaining items to crash on the floor. She watched them hit the ground and heard the breaking of her compact mirror. Her breathing was labored as she furiously ran a hand through her hair. She looked down at the mess she made, not caring about it. Only caring about one thing. 

"Looking for this?" Tommy's voice came out as he leaned against the door frame and held out the bottle.

Jude's head instantly sprang up when she heard him. Her mouth dropped open at his sudden appearance. She could sense his controlled anger as he looked at her accusingly.

**You've lost it, girl. **

**_Fin._**


	2. Chapter 2

_Surpirsed? I am that I actually finished this story! Gee and it only took me 3 months ! haha best part about it? When i finally sat down and wrote it it took me a couple of hours..._

_The setup is the same (thanks in part to BeBraveLive4Me- see we have a system i write my stories and she tweaks and perfects them-she made the setup the same for this story cause i wasn't going to but she made it work) I'll explain the setup again. Regular non bold, non italic font is regulardialogue and stuff. Italics are Jude's thoughts and Bold is like a general statement maybe id go as far as to say the voice in Jude's head? It's not necessarily Jude's voice...lets call it a general voice...does that make sense? If confused best bet would be to read the first part over again just to familiarize it._

_It's mostly dialogue this time around though defintely not half as much italics and bold...anyhows hope you enjoy and please please read and review! comments are everything to writers. )_

* * *

_Busted._

"Uh..where, ah, what are you doing with those?" Jude tripped over her words as her hands shook nervously.

Tommy shook his head. "No what are **you** doing with these, Jude?" He questioned angrily, demanding an immediate answer.

"Tommy listen, it's not what you think.." She started softly, not knowing what to say to him.

"Oh, somehow I bet it's exactly what I think!" He threw at her before he began to pace the floor. "Do you know how dangerous this is? Do you know what kind of game you're playing? What were you thinking?" He fired the questions rapidly at her, but paused for her answer.

"I don't-"

"No, you weren't thinking, Jude. That was your problem!" He cut her off without a second though. "How stupid could you-"

**Yelling. Lectures. Pressure, pressure, pressure.**

"Enough!" Jude yelled, frustrated. "Enough. You don't get to stand here and judge me, Quincy. You're not exactly a saint either."

"Maybe not, but I know that you shouldn't be messing around with these." He did a half spin as he placed his hands on his hips. He whirled back around. "God, Jude. Pills? Why pills? Why did you turn to them?" He searched her for an answer.

_He wants answers. I barely have answers._

She threw her hands up in the air. "I don't know! It just-they just make it all go away. It makes me feel better and that's what I need, Tommy, I need to make me feel better." She held her hands over her chest as tears filled her eyes, but didn't fall. She wouldn't let them. She begged with her eyes for him to understand where she was coming from, to understand her.

"There's better ways than this, Jude!" He exclaimed loudly. "You could have came to me.." He began but she interrupted him when she laughed bitterly.

**Lean on someone else. Someone that isn't even there.**

"Right, sure. You're so-" She stopped herself and shook her head, not wanting to go there. Instead she changed gears. "You know what, Tommy? Why don't you just go bother Sadie because this here?" She spread her arms wide. "It doesn't concern you, okay?" She told him as she stepped forward to reach out for the bottle.

_He doesn't care-no one cares._

He moved back so quickly, that Jude almost fell. "No, you're wrong. This does concern me. _You_ concern me, Jude." His voice was softer this time and the anger seemed to dissipate. "You're in trouble, girl. Let me help you." He pleaded to her as his eyes shone with worry.

**Nothing's wrong.**

She scoffed and folded her arms. She blinked back the wetness in her eyes. "I don't need your help. I'm fine." She glanced upwards, stopping the flow of tears.

_Everything's fine._

Tommy gave an empty laugh. "Fine? You call this fine? You're anything but fine, Jude. I've been watching you fall apart for weeks now, and I never knew what was behind it." He paused and sighed loudly. "Now I do. .." He trailed off as he looked down at the bottle. He cursed himself silently. He should have been keeping a better eye on her. He knew something was going on with her, he just didn't know what. But he'd make up for it now. He'd make sure she'd be fine.

**Nothing can bring you down.**

Tommy closed the distance between them and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I care about you. More than you probably think right now. And I'll do whatever to get you through this, just say the word and I will do it." He told her with conviction as he stared into her eyes.

_He wants to help, but I don't need anyone._

She gave him a small smile. "You wanna help me?" She asked as she visibly softened. When he nodded his head, she continued. "That's nice. I can tell you what you can do." She paused as if she was considering it. "You can back off!" She yelled at him as she pushed him away and ran out.

**You have control.**

Jude switched moods so fast that Tommy was momentarily stunned. When he realized she left the room, he quickly pocketed the bottle and chased after her.

Jude rounded the corner outside of G Major and sprinted down the street. She heard Tommy calling her name, but she ignored it and ran faster.

**Can't stop.**

Tommy bounded down the front steps of G Major and chased after her. "Jude!" He yelled through the night as tried to catch up to her. "Jude! Stop!"

_I Won't stop._

She looked over her shoulder to see how close Tommy was and she realized he was closing the distance between the two of them. She muttered softly as she kept staring behind her at him, not seeing the crack on the sidewalk until it was too late.

Jude landed with a thud on the concrete and swore loudly as she looked down at her torn jeans and the scarlet liquid that stained the fabric. By the time she glanced back up, Tommy's arms were already around her lifting her up from the ground. "Let go of me!" She struggled in his arms as she tried to push him away.

**Stop.**

Tommy kept his handle on her firm on as he righted her into the standing position. He then gripped her shoulders as tight as he could to keep her in front of him. "No, I won't!" He yelled back at her. "How can a girl as smart as you do something so stupid?" He question angrily as he started to shake her. "You're out of control, Jude!"

She just stared up at him at him thinking he was the one out of control. Her mouth opened to respond but he didn't want her to get a sentence in until he was finished. "You're a mess, girl. And you don't even see it!" His words were fast and furious as he shook her with such force that Jude's eyes went wide.

_Stop_

"Let me go, Tommy. You're scaring me!" She said as she tried to push him away.

He shook his head violently, but loosened his grip. "No, no . You're scaring _me,_ girl." He spoke quietly this time as he moved his hands to her cheeks in desperation. "Just let me help you." He pleaded with her again, hoping she would let him.

Jude's breath was labored as she considered his words for real this time. She exhaled loudly as she let the tears finally fall. "Okay..." She whispered softly as Tommy visibly relaxed and he offered her a smile. He nodded in affirmation as they both came together and leaned against each others' foreheads. They gave sighs of contentment before Tommy wrapped his arms around her tightly and securely.

**_Stopped._**


End file.
